Baby Soft

I'm a 27-year-old, male, adult baby/diaper lover (AB/DL). I've been in the closet about my fetish basically since puberty. As a consequence, I never dated or became romantically involved. I thought if I buried my kink with enough shame, it would go away and I would somehow turn normal. It obviously didn't work, and for the past year, I've been trying to find healthy ways to integrate this into my life. I play around with the kink in the privacy of my home and otherwise lead a normal life. My depression issues have let up, I'm more confident day-to-day, and even work has begun to improve. I want to start dating. I went on a normal date, and I felt very inauthentic trying to be engaged when my kink wasn't present or at least out in the open. I just wasn't excited by the idea of a vanilla relationship. I would like to date women, but there's such an imbalance between men and women with this particular kink that I don't feel like I'll ever meet someone who is compatible. I feel like I'm doomed to be lonely forever with my kink or sexually unfulfilled and terrified of being found out.

Sign up for Deezer and listen to Savage Love by Metrixx and 56 million more tracks. Listen to Savage Love (Laxed - Siren Beat) by Jawsh 685 on Deezer. With music streaming on Deezer you can discover more than 56 million tracks, create your own playlists, and share your favourite tracks with your friends.

Boy Alone Basically Eternally

'It's okay to not reveal every aspect of your sex life on a first date,' said Lo, a kink-positive podcaster and AB/DL whose show explores all aspects of your shared kink. 'Besides, saying, 'I like to wear diapers,' on the first date is a surefire way to scare someone off. A better strategy is to establish a connection with a person, determine whether or not they're trustworthy, and then open up about AB/DL. That takes time.'

TikTok edition of Savage Love CONNECT WITH JASON DERULO:‬TikTok -‪Face. So you don’t wanna talk with a therapist about your issues—which touch on more than just sex—but you’re willing to talk to me and all of my readers about them.

Lo also doesn't think you should write off vanilla people as potential partners.

'BABE should know that it's possible to convert someone to the AB/DL side,' said Lo. 'I see it happen all the time. That's the focus of Dream a Little, my AB/DL podcast. Most of the people I feature are men who have turned their female partners on to AB/DL, so the odds are in your favor.' Lo herself is happily partnered with a vanilla guy who embraced her kink.

That doesn't mean you're guaranteed success the first time you disclose your kink to a partner, BABE. But you'll never find someone with whom you're compatible—or with whom you can achieve compatibility—unless you're willing to risk opening up to someone.

'BABE is more likely to be doomed to the #foreveralone club if he gives up entirely out of fear,' said Lo. 'Being an AB/DL poses some unique challenges in the dating world, but thousands of other AB/DLs have found a way to make it work, and he can too.'

Now, before people start freaking out (and it may be too late), it's not just AB/DLs who 'convert' or 'turn' vanilla partners to their kinks. There are two kinds of people at any big kink event (BDSM party, furry convention, piss splashdown): the people who were always kinky, i.e., people who've been aware of their kinks since puberty (and masturbating about them since puberty), and the people who fell in love with those people. So Lo isn't telling BABE to do anything that people with other kinks aren't advised to do all the time: date, establish trust, and then lay your kink cards on the table.

'BABE has come a long way, and it's great that he's building confidence. But he still views his kink as an impossible obstacle, and it doesn't need to be that way,' said Lo. 'It's so important that you learn how to accept your kink, because then you will know you're capable of and deserving of love.'

And finally, BABE, if and when you do meet a woman who is willing to indulge you—or maybe even embrace AB/DL play—don't neglect her sexual needs. I answered a letter years ago from a frustrated woman who was preparing to leave her AB/DL husband because he never wanted to have vanilla sex and, as much as she'd come to enjoy AB/DL occasionally, she no longer felt like her needs mattered to her husband. Don't make the same mistake that guy did—or you could, after a long search for a compatible partner, find yourself miserable and alone again.

You can follow Lo on Twitter and Instagram. Her podcast and AB/DL self-acceptance programs can be found at thelittlelounge.com.

I need help deciding whether to listen to my mother on the matter of what's best for me romantically or ask her to keep her opinions about my boyfriend to herself. My mom and I have always been close. She is a single parent and I am an only child. I've always told her everything, and as I have gotten older that has started to become a problem. I've been in a long-distance Daddy Dom/little girl relationship with a middle-aged man with spina bifida for three years. We met on FetLife right before I turned 19. The entire time, my mom has made fun of his disability while occasionally putting her pettiness aside and acknowledging that he's good to me. I made the mistake of telling her about the BDSM element, and she is extremely uncomfortable with it, though she denies that it is why she disapproves. My Daddy comes from a middle-class family and has been known to say insensitive shit on occasion about working-class people like my mom and me. I checked my Daddy on his privilege, and he doesn't say stupid shit about the jobs we work anymore. I love my Daddy and can't stand the idea of leaving him, but at times I wonder if my mom is right that me loving him isn't enough. He makes me feel loved and taken care of in a way no one else has before, but I worry about whether I can have a future with someone who doesn't work, who my mom hates, and who might be a little bit of an asshole? (Do a couple instances of rudeness make a man an asshole?) Help. I'm lost.

Dumb Daughter Loves Guy

Your entire relationship with your boyfriend—from the sound of things—has taken place online. Which is fine—people can forge strong connections online. But until you meet this man in person (assuming you haven't already), DDLG, and unless you're working toward moving to where he lives, this relationship probably won't last forever—which is also fine. A relationship doesn't have to last forever to have been a success. This guy played an important (and still ongoing) role in your sexual development and brought you a lot of joy... and you can acknowledge those things while simultaneously acknowledging the reality of the situation: The man you were with when you were 18 is probably not the man you'll be with when you're 28. That's true for most people, DDLG, regardless of their kinks, distance from their lovers, relationships with their mothers, etc.

Savage Love Deezer Download

As for whether your boyfriend is an asshole... well, he certainly said some insensitive/assholey/classist things, DDLG, you let him know that wasn't okay, and he knocked it off. It's not proof he doesn't still think those things, but it is evidence he cares enough about you (or fears losing you enough) to stop saying those things. So even if he is an asshole, he is capable of moderating his assholery, which is something not all assholes can do.

As for your mom... just because you shared everything with her when you were a child doesn't mean you have to or should as an adult. There are things a mother has a right not to know, as my mother used to say, and her child's kinks fall under the 'right not to know' header. When it comes to your romantic and sexual interests, DDLG, share the rough outlines with your mom ('I'm seeing this guy, it's long-distance, he's nice') but spare her the intimate details (BDSM, DD/LG, whatever else).

On the Lovecast, what do we do now that Tumblr is dead?: savagelovecast.com.

Follow Dan on Twitter @fakedansavage

Come the Revolution

I'm a straight woman and have been sexually active for about six years. I'm in my mid-20s now and about ready to become a 'man-hating feminist.' I feel like I can figure out what a guy wants in bed pretty easily. I cannot remember a single time when I've had sex with a guy that he has not had an orgasm. I, on the other hand, have never had an orgasm. Quite the opposite! I've barely even been aroused lately when I am having sex because it's easy to tell when the guy I'm with just wants to come and that is the only thing on his mind. This makes me want to just get it over with. I've become really angry with the male population and their lack of care for pleasing a woman. Will it take a Women's Pleasure Revolution for men to realize that their female counterparts have needs, too? Granted, I've had sex with only five guys—but in my mind, Dan, that's five too many. I also have girlfriends in the same boat. Men skip foreplay, they don't return the favor when it comes to oral, and they're so eager to get their penises in my vagina, they barely touch me before doing so! THIS MAKES ME FEEL USED. I'm a giving woman by nature, but I feel like men just take. I don't hate men. I actually really like men. In fact, I was madly in love with one of the five.

Really Enraged/Vexed Over Lazy Turds

'Lots of foreplay, mutual oral, enough touch to get me going or, better yet, get me off at least once—all of these things have to happen beforewe fuck.' Practice saying that in a mirror, REVOLT, and then say it out loud to the next guy you sleep with. Say it and mean it. And if those things don't happen—if he skips the foreplay or won't go down on you or refuses to touch you with anything other than his dick—then he doesn't get to fuck you. Get up, get dressed, and go. The sooner you walk out on guys who don't want to do those things, the sooner you'll find yourself in bed with guys who do. So no more having sex to 'get it over with' (GIOW), no more sticking around for shitty GIOW sex that leaves you feeling used.

Some guys will be happy to see you go. Given a choice between a woman they can't treat like a crusty tube sock and an actual crusty tube sock, a statistically significant percentage of straight guys will choose the crusty tube sock. Don't waste your precious time or pussy on guys like that. And don't waste a moment of your time or any of your pussy on guys who will engage in a little half-assed foreplay or go down on you for 30 seconds before they try to stick their dicks in you. Only fuck the guys who enjoy foreplay and are excited to eat your pussy before fucking you—or instead of fucking you.

Savage Love Derulo Lyrics

The revolution you want isn't going to come because some homo ordered straight boys everywhere to start engaging in foreplay and eating pussy. The revolution is only going to come—you're only going to come—if you and your friends and all women everywhere stop settling for GIOW sex. Now, some women have GIOW sex because they're afraid a guy might react violently if they withdraw consent. They fear male violence, and that's a sadly reasonable fear. But too many women have GIOW sex to avoid disappointing male partners who have already disappointed them; too many women slap on a smile and fake an orgasm to spare the feelings of dudes who don't give a shit about their feelings or their pleasure.

You say you were in love with one of the five guys you had sex with, REVOLT, which I hope means you didn't fear him and could talk to him. Yet every single time you had sex, you allowed this guy to essentially masturbate inside you. You didn't stick up for yourself, you didn't advocate for your own pleasure, you didn't say, 'Here's what you need to do to please me.' Take a little personal responsibility here: You let Mr. One-In-Five get away with it. He let you down—he should have been more proactive about pleasing you—but you also let yourself down. No more. Insist on more and better from here on out, REVOLT, and you will get more and better.

P.S. If what you meant by 'I have never had an orgasm' is that you've never had an orgasm at all, ever, alone or with a partner, then you need to start masturbating right now. You'll enjoy partnered sex more if you know what it takes to make you come and you can show your partners exactly what that looks like. And whether you're already masturbating or not, please get your hands on a copy of The Vagina Bible, Jen Gunter's new book on everything vaginal, vulval, and clitoral.

I'm a straight woman in my mid-30s. For most of my adult life, I've gotten off on fantasizing about my boyfriends fucking other women. So far it's been fantasy-only, but I'm intrigued by the prospect of a real cuckquean scenario. However, I've always been reluctant to share my kink. It's not that I fear rejection or judgment. I think most guys would be into it, including the lovely man I'm currently in a committed relationship with. Rather, it's my own discomfort with a kink that I fear stems from an unhealthy emotional place. Insecurity, avoiding intimacy, and difficulty trusting men are all issues I've struggled with, and the cuckquean kink plays right into all of that. I've worked with therapists over the years and gotten into a somewhat solid place emotionally. Alas, my kink remains, and has gotten stronger to the point where I'm imagining my guy fucking someone else about 99 percent of the time in order to come. I wish I could get more enjoyment from 'normal' sex. I've read your column long enough to know that I should probably just embrace my kink and enjoy it. But while I'm trying my damnedest to be sex-positive, I can't get around the nagging feeling that there's something 'unhealthy' about this fantasy. If my kink is based on specific insecurities/fears, do they get even more hardwired into my brain with every orgasm?

This Reluctant Cuckquean

Two quick questions: (1) How much more hardwired could something possibly become if you already have to think about it 99 percent of the time in order to climax? (2) What if imagining your guy fucking other women is 'normal' sex for you?

A lot of people's kinks are essentially eroticized fears: the fear of being humiliated, the fear of being exposed, the fear of being cheated on, etc. Not everyone eroticizes these fears, of course, but so many of us do that it really should be covered in sex-ed courses. In your case, TRC, your erotic imagination took something that scares you—being cheated on—and turned it into something that arouses you. The difference between your worst fear and your ultimate turn-on is control. If your man fucks another woman, it will happen because you wanted it to (you gave him permission) and there will be something in it for you (it will get you off).

Which is not to say you ever have to act on this. You don't. Plenty of straight men are turned on by the fantasy of their partners being with other men but know they couldn't handle the reality of it, so they enjoy it as a fantasy only. But they don't—or the healthy ones don't—deny themselves the fantasy, whether it's just playing it out in their heads or their monogamous partners indulging them with a little cheating-centered dirty talk during sex.

We can't will kinks away, TRC, we can only embrace and accept them. Again, that doesn't mean we have to act on them—some fantasies can never be realized for moral reasons—but to beat ourselves up about our kinks is a waste of time.

Savage Love Drarry

On the Lovecast, rival advice columnist E. Jean Carroll: savagelovecast.com.

Follow Dan on Twitter @fakedansavage